Why I don´t drink anymore + why I don’t do drugs anymore – on the path to authenticity and self-love
I don’t mean to offend or judge anyone – this is just my personal story of why drinking alcohol and taking drugs are not part of my life anymore.
I still don’t know if the word ‘addiction’ is fitting. I know for sure that my relationship with alcohol has neither been positive nor healthy. Drinking a glass of wine or a beer every now and then is what I would deem a healthy relationship but drinking regularly and to a point where one has memory gaps is what I would classify as unhealthy – I will definitely count myself into the latter group.
Working in hospitality has certainly not been helpful, but that has not been the underlying reason why I was drinking so much. Looking back now, with all the inner work and self-inquiry I have done, I can say that me drinking until black outs was a way of relieve – relieve of felt pressure to perform a certain way and to live a life that was not in line with my actual desires.
Drinking was a way of escaping, of numbing and a way to feel free – when drunk I did not care what anyone else thought of me, I did not care if my behaviour was appropriate or not. When drunk I could let loose, there was no need anymore to live up to someone´s expectations (my own as well as presumed expectations of others, e.g. my parents). The drunk moments were moments that I needed to balance the extreme pressure that I felt had been placed on my shoulders to follow along a certain path in life. A path that had taken my very far away from my actual wishes and desires – so far that I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life.
I can say the same about my drug consumption. Which together with alcohol has given me prolonged moments of relieve and escape. Again, I am not saying that every drug use is
automatically unhealthy and wrong – I am just saying that my personal relation with drugs has been unhealthy – the term ‘drug abuse’ would be more fitting here.
Back in 2016 and 2017, even though I had incidences where the drugs would lead to panic attacks which were so strong that I saw no other way than to call the ambulance to take me to the hospital, I still continued the partying and drug and alcohol abuse.
Towards the end of 2017, even though I had been practicing yoga for over 3 years and felt that it was really good for me, I was still consuming drugs, smoking and drinking alcohol (the party weekends were going down in number tho). I´ve had several drug related panic attacks and still, I was not ready to quit.
I would say the shift happened gradually. The more I was invested in yoga and meditation, worked on myself to break up habitual patterns and find new ways of living, the less space partying, smoking, drinking and drug use took up. I knew way before it actually happened, that fully embarking on the path of yoga (a path towards living my authentic self), would let these unhealthy habits fade out naturally.
About 1.5 years ago someone for the first time used the word ‘addiction’ to describe my previous alcohol and drug habits. I was offended – ‘I am not an addict.’
But in hindsight, looking back at the facts, the word ‘addiction’ might actually be appropriate. I think this was the point of no return. Before I had always allowed the choice to still go out clubbing, take drugs and drink, but now I wanted to close this chapter of my life. Close this door, so the door to my new life – a life full of authenticity and self-love – can fully open.
Today, I do not feel the need anymore to numb myself or to escape with the help of drugs and alcohol. I look back at those times not in regret but seeing the sadness of the situation. Seeing my helplessness in needing these moments to break free for a little while from a life that was not in line with my desires and my core values.
I am not saying that I have it all figured out today – hell no, still working on it. There is no magic formula, but it gets easier. The more I stopped listening to others and looking to others for approval, the more I started just doing what felt right for me, the happier I became, the easier life became.
And this is the journey I am on now – towards a life full of authenticity and self-love.
Writing this has not been easy, but the words were just flowing out. It feels very therapeutic to type it out and make it public.
I am not ashamed to talk about these things; this story is part of my life. In sharing this I am not trying to offend anyone or say the way I´m doing it is right for everyone. Writing and publishing this personal story feels like a long overdue opening up and letting go. I feel lighter now, content and happy.
I would like to hear your story as well; feel free to share it in the comments.
If living an authentic life is something you´d like to manifest for yourself, get in touch with me. Sometimes a conversation can be the turning point.
Lots of love. Make 2020 great, make it a year full of authenticity and self-love. (I know I keep repeating myself)